Apologies in Advance

“Apologies in Advance” 

What’s done in the dark eventually comes to the light. I’ve always been the person to shine light on others and help guide them to their success meanwhile I’ve been left in the dark myself which lead to me hurting the people who genuienly love me and care about me ended up battling in and out of depression, feeling used which raised internal battle for myself. I started to harvest animosity towards others people because of it.

But everything has a silver lining right!

I realize it wasn’t anyones fault but mine.

Self cultivating helped be learn that i have to be selfish enough to love and care for myself and set up boundaries of respect and what I deserve & what is acceptable to me. While remaining humble because I’m still learning my own values with the mentality of letting go of what i am, to become what i might be, letting go what i have to receive what i need, so i am willing to re-set, re-adjust,re-start, re-focus as many times as i need to for my desire to change is greater than my desire to stay the same.

While we are still talking about self cultivating – understanding this helped me get through my depression and made more sense to why I’ve always had beef with the word “Nice”. Folks often use it to mean “make someone else feel comfortable.” I’m sweet and jagged and constantly shedding and livid and lucid but I will never be nice. Nice is a figment of kindness, it says I’ll make you feel good even when you don’t need to, even when the “not nice stuff” is necessary for your growth. Nice is acceptable, it’s professional and fits into the palm of the white man’s hand. While sometimes I play nice, I am not nice, I am naughty, nasty, a little nigga and not for everyone. I’m real bEcAUSE I face what I feel no matter how shameful ugly or obscene it is. And like the (Audre) Lorde says “I feel, therefore I can be free.” And no matter what level of pain I endure, I will not relinquish my right to feel. My right to paint my pain into something beautiful. And to me that is Liberation — something that could never be “nice” it can only be what it is — pure art. Now Art is not suppose to look nice it is meant to make you feel . 

I’m not perfect , but i will always be real.

Comment down below on what brought you back from that dark zone ! For me self-awareness was my silver lining helped me to forgive the people who never even asked for forgiveness.

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