How I managed to walk out of the hospital, driving back home with your Dad without you in our arms “I DONT KNOW”. All I wanted to do was run back and take you home with me. In whatever state you are in I will keep you safe. I know I will forever choose you regardless of me knowing what I now know
“Living” but feeling dead inside. It’s like hearing the waterfall in the desert only for there to be no water; when I am old and I lose my mind; I know the pain will still be there, like I just lost you. Knowing even in the future I will never HAVE a photo of all my children together, its googling ng funeral homes before you even leave the hospital, experiencing cremation before lactation, knowing you were born in silence. DESPERATELY wishing I could hear your voice, trying to pump your heart with my two fingers sobbing loud “just cry for me baby” while deep inside screaming “God, My God why have you forsaken me”. I feel blessed that I got to hold and witness your perfectness, I never thought I could feel utter devastation and calm beauty all at once. I will still remember you for you are my firstborn; I will always love you cause you gave me the reason to go through my day; you were my constant. you will always be on my mind, when you first kicked my heart giggled and , I laid my head on my pillow with a smile on my face
You have my word we will never grow apart; having you made me feel so alive: hanging on to having you soon and almost holding you is what keeps me awake at night I wonder why aren’t you kicking me back so we can have a little conversation. Only to realize your not here with us anymore, the feeling live me wondering why dint you hold on to me. my eyes are filled with tears and my face is resisting a smile cause of all the good times and good memory we shared.
Periodically I pray for God’s help to listen with compassion. To remember to remain calm because I witnessed his existence. Sometimes. Sometimes I recall that it’s okay to feel how I’m feeling. Occasionally I find a way to step away.
I don’t want to project my story on anyone else’s, and i wouldn’t wish this to my worse enemy but I’m not the same soul I used to be. So I try to befriend myself and practice mercy on my own heart in the ways I imagine God does, too. I hope I get to see the world like how I planned we would. I hope I get to meet you again. am not going to run away from this bittersweet memory its forever with me and for some reason. I LOVE IT